If you are easily grossed out, just stop reading now. Simple.
For the rest of you..
So you remember this post about my pizza face, right? My very wise doctor prescribed Tetralysal, a capsule I was to take daily, and some gel (can’t remember the name for the life of me) which I was to apply to the infected area twice a day. She believed my pizza face was most likely due to my hormones going wonky, and suggested we switch up my contraception from the injection to the pill. I didn’t want to be on the injection for the rest of my life anyway, I initially went onto the injection because I was so terrified to fall pregnant again and I knew it was the closest thing to sterilization – which would have been first prize had my gynae agreed.
So I started the pill in December.
I’ve always believed that “being hormonal” is a woman’s excuse for being in a bad mood. I don’t remember experiencing mood swings when I was on the pill, pre-kids? I seriously don’t? Yes, we’d laugh and joke about it being “that time of the month” to excuse biting off my husband’s head in an argument but I can’t say my hormones used to wreak havoc on a monthly basis. Woah, fast forward 5 years. From the second week of going on the pill, I could physically feel myself going through stages of.. of.. of… WHATEVER the pill does to you, or rather what a woman’s body goes through monthly! I can’t even give it a name! That lower back pain, that dull ache in your belly – it felt like high school all over again. And THEN.. the mood swings! Crying for nothing, yelling at everyone, wanting to be left alone in the fetal position on my bed FOREVER. All this, and then the following week having to deal with actually getting a period!! OH MY NERVES!!! After almost 6 PERIOD FREE years (remember I was almost back to back pregnant, and you don’t get your period on the injection), can I just say that it was the most unpleasant experience EVER. No wonder 12 year olds are traumatized by their first time!
Oh, even before all of that. HOW has the pad/tampon industry BOOMED in the last 6 years! Standing in the bloody Pick n Pay aisle trying to find the right size, absorbency, colour? Who needs a pretty flowery box for something that is essentially a PLUG? Pads! Big, small, wings, wingless, day, night, happy, sad, young, old – there’s a pad for everyone! I stood in that aisle for over 15 minutes just trying to navigate my mind around the wonder that is sanitary protection.
Then remembering to take this blinking pill every day. I am the type of person who takes 124 days to finish a daily vitamin with 30 pills in the bottle. Do the maths – I am bad at remembering to take medication. So far I have been pedantic about it because I cannot risk falling pregnant again. Pre-menstrual, I looked so bloated I thought I was preggers, I rushed to check my pack to make sure I hadn’t missed any days. Then I remembered bloating was just another lovely by-product of being a WOMAN with a menstrual cycle.
For all the negative side effects of the injection, I must say I didn’t experience ANY of them, all this is very new and scary for me.
Also. How the heck are girls doing this discreetly at work? Especially when you sit faaaar from the toilet like I do? I tried to think back to how I used to do this. I can’t remember. At all. Do you know how many people stop me on the way to the toilet invariably to ask me a stupid question. There I stand with my arms crossed, my tampon burning into the palm of my hand like a hot potato. Please don’t drop it, please don’t drop it, please don’t drop it. So must I take my handbag to the toilet? Then everyone is like “hey, you going to lunch at 10am?” or “hey, why you going home so early?” Tried to put it into my bra the other day and I looked like I had a deformed nipple.
And the pièce de résistance: having to explain what the heck I’m doing when I have small people in the bathroom with me. Just close the door and leave them outside, you say. Clearly, you don’t have children. For those who have been reading for a while, you know that I have two very inquiring minds in my midst. They are not easily thrown off the trail, they are like dogs with a bone, gnawing away until they get to the centre of the problem. What is that? What is it for? But why? How come? And I don’t know about you, but I cannot think of any way to cover up this story. You know how you can sidestep / conjure up / LIE to your kids about certain topics which they have no business knowing? Well I can’t think of ANYTHING that would simplify this awkward story for them. And I am NOT about to embark on any journeys with birds and bees and a 3 and 4 year old. Thank you very much. I hate answering their questions with NO, NOTHING, MIND YOUR BUSINESS – or the like. I’ve always believed in answering any questions as honestly as possible, and as age appropriately as possible. But THIS topic. Yoh. I’m stumped.
I CAN report that my pizza face has cleared up. Silver Lining. Bar some scarring, I’m glowing. Oh no, better check that glow out? Hope it’s not a pregnancy glow? My paranoia is off the charts! Can you tell? And I get to do this until the grand old age of menopause. YAY!