So I’ve decided that I need to write to you guys on certain issues so that you know where I stand and how I feel about certain things so that there aren’t any grey areas for you as you grow up. And I hope that my experience can help you. You do not have to take my advice, or follow my path, but I at least want you to learn from my experiences so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes – believe me, the person who said you need to make your own mistakes was stupid. You don’t. If you can learn from someone else’s mistake, why the heck would you want to go through that trauma too? Stupid hey? So I’m going to start a little series of letters entitled Dear Big Liam and Big Hannah and number them, and I hope that you guys will use these orders from mom letters to empower yourselves.
Anyway, the first thing I think we need to cover is this boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Now Daddy will tell you that Granny and Pa were very strict in this regard. Daddy was not allowed to step foot up the passage in our house, unless he was going to make a wee in the toilet. He was not allowed in my room. Ever. Now while I hope that I will be less dogmatic in my approach, I want you to understand that there is no rush in doing the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing; it is so overrated. So just as my mother told me, I want to tell you that you should have LOTS of friends… boys and girls… go out and have lots of fun, but don’t get too serious, too young. When you are young, everyone thinks getting serious is THE best thing ever. Well I am here to tell you, it isn’t and while I know you will only nod your head in agreement with me when you read this in your late twenties / early thirties, I hope that you will at least remember this when you are doodling hearts and the letters of his/her name and yours in the margin of your school books. You will have PLENTY of time to get “heavy” – and believe me, when you get heavy, there’s more complications, more sweat and tears and more strife than joy – IF you are not ready for it. So while you may feel like you are going to pass out from the physical pain of not seeing “that” girl or boy because Dad and I won’t let you go out on a Friday night, or we disconnect the wifi so you can’t sit up all night social-networking with the “love of your life,” I can assure you that you will survive and that you will thank us one day for pulling in the reigns.
Can I tell you something that may surprise you? I had one steady boyfriend all throughout high school. It wasn’t Dad by the way. Ha. I don’t live with regret AT ALL (it’s a useless emotion), but when I think of how much fun everyone else was having while I was playing house and going steady, I do think that maybe I could have left the going steady for later on. Even if you think that this is the one, in this situation I want you to use 90% of your head and 10% of your heart; give it a few years to make sure. Don’t settle kids… you are worth so much more, you deserve so much more, than settling. God has such amazing things in store for you, and I don’t want you selling yourself short because you think some blue eyed boy or girl is the one.
Guard your hearts, don’t be so bloody emotional about everything, and please do not ever tell me I don’t understand, because I do! In all things put God first, and he will direct your steps, and one day you WILL find the one , when the time is right, hopefully when you are 30 years old. I’M KIDDING OK!!! Getting serious with someone means sacrificing a lot of yourself, your ideas and your ideals for the sake of that person, it means putting the other person first and always considering someone else’s feelings above your own – AND this is not a bad thing, it’s beautiful and wonderful and fills you to overflowing BUT guys, seriously, enjoy your youth, the world is your oyster and one day when you’ve done everything YOU-YOURSELF-JUST-YOU have wanted to do, THEN you can consider getting serious because you will fully understand the implications of giving yourself to someone else and vice versa.
And yes, no boys/girls will be allowed up the passage. Bedrooms are for sleeping. Alone.
Now, I want you to read this story that I found on Lizanne’s blog, and really let it sink in ok?
Love you guys
Sweet sixteen had finally come! I never thought I’d make it. But I did. And it was amazing. My parents threw the birthday party of the century, and I had more people over than I could count. The whole day had been awesome. But as I watched the sun begin to set, I knew the best part was soon to come. It was late in the evening. Confetti had been swept up, helium balloons had started to sag, and gift wrapping had been folded neatly and tucked away for my mom’s later use. As I sat at my window studying the dusky sky, Dad peeked into my room with a smile. “Ready to go , Sweetie?” He asked. Was that a trick question? I wondered as I scrambled to my feet. I’d been waiting for this night for five long years, and it was finally here! I was now officially allowed to date!
The plan was for my parents and me to go to my favourite restaurant on the night of my sixteenth birthday and officiate the agreement, go over standards, and discuss rules and such. And now we were finally on the way. I sat across from my parents in a quiet corner booth. Having just placed our orders I figured it was time to get on with it. “So. I can go out with any guy I want to, right?” I squealed, hardly able to contain my excitement. Mom and Dad chuckled. Dad answered, “Well, we agreed to that, didn’t we?”
“Sweet!” I exclaimed, doing a little victory dance in my seat. My parents had held me off for years, but now that the time had come, they would let me date any guy I wanted! Of course they knew I had a good relationship with God and wasn’t too short on common sense, either.“Now wait just a second” Mom interrupted with a smile. “You have to agree to a little something yourself” I was expecting a lecture of some sort so I was already prepared. ‘”So what do I have to do now?” I asked, leaning forward on my elbows.
“Just open this,” Dad answered, producing a small white box. He gave a mysterious smile. I Hesitated a moment before removing the curly pink ribbon. I slowly opened the lid and saw a beautiful silver bracelet. But not just any bracelet. It was a charm bracelet. And they weren’t just any charms. They were gemstones, small but gorgeous. A dozen dainty charms dangled gently. “Wow.” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t expecting this at all.
“Now you have to understand this isn’t just any bracelet,” Mom informed me.
“I know” I said. “It is so beautiful!” I studied it closer.
There were six small charms alternating with six tinier ones. The smaller ones were a deep blue. Sapphires, I guessed. And the other six were each different. One appeared to be just a rock, one was pink, a white one, a red one, green, and…was that a diamond!?
“This charm bracelet is symbolic” Dad explained, leaning in closer to study it with me. “It represents you and your purity. This is what will guide you through your dating relationships. Your mother and I can only tell you what’s right. We can’t make you believe it yourself. Hopefully, this will.”
I looked up solemnly. “I’m Listening.”
“This represents the first time you hold a guy’s hand”
Mom said, pointing to the gray one. “It’s just a piece of polished granite Seemingly cheap, yes, but it’s still a part of your bracelet. This is pink quartz.”
Then she gently rubbed the next one between her fingers.
“It represents your first kiss”
“This green one is an emerald,” Dad continued. “This is your first boyfriend. The pearl is the first time you say ‘I love you’ to a man other than me.”
I giggled. This was so amazing. The ruby stands for your first engagement. And the diamond represents the first time you say ‘I do’” Mom finished.
After letting it all sink in I cleared my emotion-clogged throat. “What do the six tiny sapphires stand for?” I asked.
Those are to remind you how beautiful and valuable you are to us and to God, ” Dad replied. “Now here’s the hitch in all this, the one and only rule you’ll ever have to follow when it comes to dating. ”
Only one rule. Sounded good. But little did I know…
“Whenever you give one of these actions of love – a kiss, an ‘I love you,’ a hand to hold – you also have to give the recipient the gem to match.
I must’ve misunderstood. “I have to give him the gem?”
“You have to give it to him” Mom restated.
I was silent for a while. I thought they must be joking. But they weren’t even thinking of cracking a smile. “But Daddy!” I suddenly shrieked. “These are insanely expensive! I can’t just give them away!”He gave a soft, loving chuckle. “Did you hear what you just said?”I thought about it.
“Baby, your purity, your heart, they’re far more valuable than a few little rocks. If you can’t find it in your heart to give away your little charms, I don’t think you should be giving away the things they represent.”
I could feel my insides melting, ready to gush out my tear ducts. On the one hand, it made me feel valuable and precious. But on the other, it made me furious. It made no sense. But it would.
A few weeks after that night, I was hanging out with my friends at the beach. Chad wouldn’t swim because I wouldn’t swim. I was more interested in reading than getting caked with sand, and he was more interested in sitting with me than swimming with his buddies. He was sweet. He was cute. And he tried to hold my hand.
I was thrilled for a nanosecond when a certain peice of ugly granite flashed through my mind and made me move out of his reach. I was severely annoyed – annoyed at my parents, annoyed at my bracelet-turned-handcuffs, but most of all annoyed at myself. I was letting a little rock dominate my romantic life.
I furiously glared at it during the whole embarrassing walk to the bathhouse But then God hit me upside the head with a shocking epiphany. I couldn’t give up my little chunk of granite. It was a part of my bracelet, which in a sense made it a part of me. I wouldn’t be whole without it. It wasn’t a priceless gem, yet it was still valuable. It made sense after that.
Kevin came along eventually. We had fun. We hung out a lot. I thought I might love him. I thought I might tell him so. I thought of my pearl. It turned out that I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did.
So my parents had been right. They couldn’t make me believe the things they wanted me to believe. So they let God and my bracelet do the word instead. Among the four of them I figured out how valuable I was. How valuable my purity was.
How not valuable guys were who were just wasting my time and emotions. If they weren’t in it for the whole bracelet, why should they get one part of it?
Nate. He thought my bracelet was awesome. So he never tried to hold my hand. He never tried to kiss me. But he asked me to marry him.
I never knew that so many years of torture could amount to so much happiness. I’d thought it was silly. I’d thought it was overrated. But now, I have never been more glad of anything in my life. As I gave my husband the charm bracelet in its entirety. I wondered why I had found it so hard to hang on to those little rocks when it was so amazing to give them all to the man I truly love.
But it didn’t end there, now our daughter wears it…