Please help me, I seem to have lost two cute little cherubs. They were average in height, chubby around the waist, all smiles, and they did everything together, went everywhere together and kissed and hugged a lot. In their place, I seem to have acquired two outlandish, noisy, gangster babies. They are still kinda cute and cuddly, but their behaviour stinks. They bicker over everything, they try to out-do each other in everything like who can scream the loudest just for fun, who can make the most mess in their rooms, who can unpack the kitchen cupboards the fastest, who can spill the most milk out of their cereal bowls – ITS NOT A COMPETITION DUDES!!! These two are driving me crazy, and it’s just not cute anymore.
Up until recently, Liam enjoyed having a shadow who would mimic everything he did, he loved it when Hannah would gaze at him in admiration when he did something heroically amazing like star jump off the couch, after I had screamed at him to stop it like 10 minutes ago. Hannah, however, has come to realise that she is just as cool as Liam is, that she doesn’t need to be the shadow anymore; she has realised that she can run this show, and why the heck must Liam always be the leader, and she, the follower? I think she believes that she was made to shine, and actually Liam is stealing her limelight. So, what’s ensued is an ongoing battle between the two of them to be the best! I always prayed that my kids would be go-getters, but this was not how I imagined my prayers would be answered.
If Liam has the soccer ball, Hannah will come dashing out of shadows, where she was happily playing with her dolly, to grab the ball away from him. Just because. If Hannah has the alphabet puzzle, Liam will instantly have this burning desire to learn his letters right at that very moment. They will be surrounded by books, and I mean books in every size, font, colour; beautiful books about a variety of different fun topics and lots of exciting activities.. the choice of books would make a librarian drool.. but they have to fight over the exact same book, and it usually turns out to be the most boring book of the lot, but the battle must be won! I thought I’d intervene by buying toys which are similar, yet different so that we can still distinguish which one belongs to who. Boy, did that backfire. I bought two tambourines, exactly alike in everything but colour. I bought a blue one for Liam and a yellow one for Hannah. Please understand that they are IDENTICAL – they make the exact same racket, they are the exact same size, they serve the same function which is to give me a headache, but STILL, they fight over the blue one, or depending on their mood, the yellow one. The other day, there was only one Zoo Animal biscuit left in the pack.. I KNEW I should have just eaten it myself when nobody was looking, that’s what any smart mother would have done, but I went for the chocolate next to it instead. Of course, Liam spotted it in the cupboard and wanted it. I tried to explain that there was only one left and that if he wanted to keep his life safe, he would go and hide in a dark corner and eat it quietly. But noooo, he marched around the room like a proud peacock, carrying his biscuit like a trophy. Of course Missy came running up to me salivating, with her hand outstretched. She scoffed at the Eet-Sum-Mor I offered her and pointed to Liam’s biscuit. I stood for a minute, not sure what to do – shout at Liam for being such a peacock or shout at Hannah for not accepting the damn Eet-Sum-Mor. In the end I had to break the Zoo Animal in half, which sent them both into the throes of a tantrum because who really wants a crumbly half eaten soggy lion anyway. I’m tired of playing the referee, sometimes I have to physically pull them apart, other times we stand back and place bets on who will win. Don’t be alarmed, they love as fiercely as they fight, and when they aren’t fighting over my cell phone or who gets to put the bubble bath into the bath this time, they are still the best of friends who stand up for each other and cry for each other when they have to be apart. Sometimes they even share really well, down to Liam splitting his Barney-vite in half to share with Hannah, even though the packaging says from age two and up. Nonetheless, I still hope this endless bickering does come to an end soon, it’s no fun having to turn the tv up so high to drown out the yelling from the other room, the neighbours are going to start complaining soon.
In a bid to restore some sanity to our household, the husband and I have decided to buy identical-double of anything and everything that could possibly defuse the time bomb. The same food in their bowls, the same bottled juices, the same colouring books, the same toy with their kiddie meals – you get the picture? I even have to ask the nice lady behind the counter to really try her best to make the exact same looking ice cream cone – TWICE, or else one will be thrown back at her. I just hope it doesn’t reach crisis level where they fight over clothes, because I really wouldn’t want to put my son in a Hello Kitty t-shirt.
Truth is, I just want some peace and quiet. Why does every phase have to come with NOISE? And I believe it doesn’t get any quieter as they grow. I’m 30 and my father still tells me to tone it down every now and then. This parenting thing just gets better and better, doesn’t it?
ps: sarcasm aside.. I still love my booboos – cat fights and all.